Category Anxiety

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Depressed and Lonely – How to Be Happy With Yourself and Life

Depressed and LonelyAre you feeling depressed and lonely today? I know it doesn’t help one bit if I say, you are not alone in this. Because you’ll snap back at me (as I’ve done on more than one occasion) and say, “Yes, I am!” Or at the very least you’ll not care at all if other people are out there feeling alone and depressed.

YOU are feeling sad and depressed and it really doesn’t matter what other people are feeling. YOU matter.

I know this feeling well, so I’ve researched and read a lot of things to discover ways of how I can be happier, whether I’m alone or not. One of the best books I have found (although there are a few I would highly recommend) that can show you how to be happy with yourself and life is Richard Carlson’s book, “You Can Be Happy No Matter What.”

The title speaks for itself, it’s so obvious in almost a cliche sort of way that you probably won’t pick it and read it because you don’t believe him. I recommend you pick it up anyway.

I won’t leave you hanging with just a book recommendation though. I will outline a little bit about it, but mostly I’ll give you my own insight to what I’ve discovered about being happy regardless of your circumstances by managing emotions.

What Can You Do To Make Yourself Happy?

The BEST thing you can do…is GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD!

Your thoughts are what are making you so miserable. Yes, I know you are lonely. I know it is a reality that you might not have as many friends as you’d like, if any…that work, debt, obligations are stressing you out. That you can’t find the man of your dreams and finally start the life you’ve been waiting for.

Your circumstances are real. Yes. Definitely, I’m not arguing that case at all. However, and I speak from experience that this is true, you can still learn how to and control how your thoughts affect you.

Thoughts, moods, other people’s moods, all of these internal and external forces can make you feel and think a certain way, and THAT is a huge contributor to why you feel depressed and lonely.

Depression can actually still be with you even if you are in a room full of people. Loneliness too for that matter, because you aren’t feeling the connections and love that you desire.

When you actually are alone these feelings are amplified, sometimes unbearably so.

There are five principles that Richard Carlson covers in his book.

Steps On How to Be Happy

– The Principle of Thought
– The Principle of Moods
– The Principle of Separate Realities
– The Principle of Feelings
– The Principle of the Present Moment

It is quite remarkable how suseptible we are to our thoughts and moods. They can change how we feel about something on a dime. Once minute we might be thinking positively about a scenario and the next with a low mood we have complete negative thoughts about that same scenario.

The real kicker is, even when we are in a good mood, we are influenced by other people’s moods. We can actually be going along in life smiling and happy only to be rudely interrupted by someone else’s negative attack on us or something around them.

Somehow we get dragged into the drama. We do it to others as well, unfortunately. But there is a way to learn how to NOT be so affected and influenced by our thoughts and moods. Simply by being aware of them, we can train ourselves to not take them so seriously. To not be taken over and let our negative thoughts MAKE us feel depressed.

Yes, you are going to feel down sometimes, everyone does. However, you won’t stay that way. If you are staying depressed 24/7 then you might need some help. Fluctuations between a good mood and a bad mood are normal – permanently stuck in a depression is not.

Feeling lonely is normal. Wallowing in it, is a choice. I know it is often very difficult to CHOOSE to not wallow. That sometimes it feels like you are being dragged down with your sad thoughts. It will take that much more strength from yourself to accept those feelings but WILLINGLY not allow your thoughts to control you.

Funny as it is, but when you see them for what they are, as static (as Carlson says in his book), like the static noise of a TV, you can learn to dismiss them, even laugh at them, and not take them so seriously.

At your core is happiness; the cloud of unhappiness is what you need to clear. And you can do this and be happy with yourself and life and stop being depressed and lonely simply by learning how to see your thoughts for what they are, just thoughts. They aren’t reality. They are often your brain running away like a train using the past or worries of the future to ruin your present.

To see if I’m right do this simple exercise:

How to Be Happy Alone

How to Be Happy No Matter WhatClose your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Try not to think. If you can’t make your mind stop, tell it to hush. Don’t picture a pink elephant. Whatever you do DON’T picture a pink elephant.

Open your eyes. How do you feel inside? Are you calm? Are you feeling at peace?

Yes, it might only last a moment. It’s learning how to increase these moments by appreciating the NOW that will allow you to be happy no matter what. You will be less inclined to let the outside world influence the peace that is inside of you all of the time, whether you are alone or not.

If you are depressed and lonely, don’t stay home and think about being depressed and lonely. Go for a walk. Take in the beautiful scenes. Talk to people. Get out of your mind, and out into the world and you will stop feeling so lonely and depressed I assure you.

When we are feeling low it typically means we are fighting what is. We are resisting that which we don’t like, or that which doesn’t feel right. Resisting only makes you feel worse, it is when you stop resisting that you can be freed from the negativity.

How to Stop Feeling LonelyI’m always reminded of the Chinese finger trap when I feel myself resisting what is. You know the one? Where you put your fingers in either side and if you pull, your fingers get more stuck, but if you push in and stop resisting you are freed?

Life is like that. Stop Resisting! If you want to know how to stop feeling lonely, that’s the best advice I can give.

I know how hard it is to feel this way, please leave me a comment below and tell me your thoughts on the matter. If you would like to talk to me personally, you can contact me here.

Your Friend,


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What To Do When Men Pull Away

What To Do When Men Pull AwayFinding yourself in that uncomfortable place when a man pulls away after you have what you believed was a breakthrough moment? Been there. It took me years to figure out why men pull away and even though I understand it now, I can’t say I like it very much.

So why do men pull away?

The answer to that can vary, but ultimately…they kinda freak out. In that moment when you feel like you two have gotten a little closer and all you want is to be even closer, they start to panic. They get scared and they don’t know how to handle their own feelings so they do the only thing they can think of…disappear.

Their disappearance allows them to calm down, reflect, regenerate their masculinity (which strangely decreases when we get close – their testosterone levels actually decrease due to chemicals that are released in those moments). For women it is the opposite. While we get a “feel good drug”, they don’t.

The good news? Regardless of the reason, and as I mentioned there can be many different reasons, what you need to do is pretty much the same no matter.

What To Do When Men Pull Away

This answer is going to shock you. Because it is too simple. Okay, I say simple – I didn’t say easy.

When a man pulls away after you have had a moment where you think the two of you should be getting closer, one, don’t freak out. This is normal for guys. And it actually is a dynamic that you want (to some extent), maybe not to the extremes that they do. But, this push and pull in a relationship actually keeps the romance and tension between you. It keeps it from being boring.

So what do you do, while he is away?

1) You don’t call him or contact him at all
2) You spend time with yourself and/or your friends
3) Keep busy, have a life of your own

In regards to him, you do nothing at all.

Some people refer to this as playing “hard to get“. You can think of it anyway that you like, but ultimately, by giving him his space…giving him the gift of missing you, you will actually end up pulling him closer to you without even trying.

I said it was simple. I didn’t say easy because for women this is probably one of the hardest things we have to do, especially when all WE want is to be with him. To feel the happiness we feel when we are with him. The time apart can be excruciating.

It isn’t the same for men, that is the hardest thing for us to realize. While we are anxious and wondering, “why did he disappear”, men are probably thinking about you…but since they have one track minds, they are doing exactly what you should be doing. Living their lives, reclaiming their independence and then ultimately returning to you when they are ready.

And 99% of the time he will come back. However, if you do what you feel inclined to do, which is probably call him and ask him, “Are you okay?”, “Are we okay?”, “Did I do something wrong?”

What these questions end up doing is actually the opposite of your intent. They will push him away further. He will see you as insecure and this won’t work in your favor. To understand this concept better I highly recommend this resource by Carlos Cavallo.

Figuring out what you should do with yourself when he pulls away (when all you want is to contact him and be with him again) can be a difficult thing. It isn’t like you don’t have a life or other activities; work, friends, family, exercise. The problem is, your mind is on him. Your heart is with him. It is distracting and it can be rather debilitating to your ego, your comfort level, your security – but it is an exercise in self control and when you can conquer it, you show him that you are a strong and independent woman who isn’t needy.

You’ll need him for certain things, sure, and he needs this as well. But men don’t like needy or desperate women. So when you can realize that the connection between the two of you affects him differently, on a chemical level in fact, you will be more understanding to why he needs to do this and you will feel more secure that he will return when he is ready.

The bonus is, when you show him that you can give him this space, he will need the breaks less often.

Have questions or comments or suggestions about what to do when men pull away, please leave them below.

Your Friend,


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